I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
