i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
