Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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