theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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