I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
