Swine flu. Run for my life!
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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