Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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