Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
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So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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