i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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