I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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