i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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