You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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