its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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