I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
whose ass print is on the piano?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
