Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
