I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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