Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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