a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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