i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
