Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
