i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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