saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
