One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
