I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
