I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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