Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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