he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
