Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
