I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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