I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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