someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
