There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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