we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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