96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
