I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
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I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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