im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We left an ass print on the piano.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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