I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
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He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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