Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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