My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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