I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
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New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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