and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
