She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
