I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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