I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
