i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
