If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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