Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Naked Twister starts at high noon
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
