you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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