I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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