I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
