I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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