Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
