My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
