where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I faked an abortion last night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
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he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
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Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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