Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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