i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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