She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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