Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
