shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
