I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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