3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
