I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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